Okay, so, dirds.
Did you grow up in a household where your parents told you that “magic isn’t real”? Well, no offense to your parents, but they have either A) never read any of the Harry Potter books or B) have never encountered the dird. Thanks to the mystical and occasionally unwarranted content produced by something called “the internet”, dirds have finally begun receiving the attention they deserve. Part dog, part bird, part anomaly, these feather-and-fur entities are blowing people’s minds with their bold looks and somewhat unsettling nature.
The dird, a breed of animal only found online, is any combination of dog head and bird body spliced into one. These Frankenstein-esque avian pups are a lot to handle, but they have some very significant behaviors and traits everyone should be aware of.
Also they’re completely unseeable. Once you see a dird, you will never unseen the dird. You have been warned.
1. Dirds enjoy being fed by hand – be sure to keep the seed in the center of your palm, as the dird will take that as an invitation and dive in. Dird seed works best for this.
2. Some dirds are natural hunters, with their paw-claws perfect for hunting down bones in the night (or day.)
3. Water dirds are a fascinating bunch. Their webbed paws allow for ideal travel by land, sky, or sea! Also, nothing beats kicking back on a park bench and feeding bread to the dirds.
4. Did you know: Some dirds are “night dirds,” or dirds who sleep in the day, but hunt and chillax all night! Listen at night for the night dird’s distinctive call of “woof woof!”
5. “Dirdy want a cracker!” you might hear some caged dirds say. That’s right – dirds can talk just like you, I, or parrots! Be sure to line their cages with Feline Fancy Magazine!
6. Ah, a rare sighting – the blue-winged dird! This beautious breed originates from the forests of Canada, from where few ever return.
7. Some dirds are purely land dirds, in that they can’t fly or swim. However, they sure can stand!
8. Some day dirds are “man’s best friend,” but not me! They are actually man’s 4th worst enemy, we just haven’t realized it yet.
9. Dirds take on many shapes and colors, few more exotic than this rare blue breasted bulldird!
10. Here’s a fellow with some surefire “happy feet.” (Jk – dirds don’t have feet, what a ridiculous statement!) Dirds can exist in colder climates as well, relying on their packs to fish, travel, and raise their young. This topic can be further explored in the great documentary March of the Dirds.
11. “Black dird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly…dirds dirds dirds!” Come on, we all know the words!
12. If you find a proud dird in the wild deep in thought, do not startle it. The fine for distracting dirds can be up to $200,000 these days.
13. Aw, now this little fella’s what we experts know as a shep-dird – he loves fetching dust and small pieces of string!
14. Some, but not all, dirds fly south for the winter. Others fly north. A few just fly in circles. Dirds are a confused bunch.
15. So many great films have been based on people’s close relationships with dirds. Examples: Must Love Dirds, Air Dird, Air Dirdies, Dirdey and Me, All Dirds Go To Heaven, and of course, Hotel For Dirds.
16. Some dirds are shunned from society for their strange appearance. Rightfully so.
17. Some dirds are just birds which have been clearly photoshopped. I mean, look at this guy. No way that’s real!
18. Ah, the North American Red Feather! She is the original “snow dird” which Anne Murray sang about.
19. Whenever I see a rare endangered bald dird soaring majestically to the sky, a tear comes to my eye and I just have to take nature all in. I open my arms wide, look up to the sky, and scream “Why? Why can’t I fly as the dird flies?!”
There, now you can go out into the world and enjoy dirds in your own way! Yellowstone National Park has an amazing dird watching program, which I highly recommend! Remember though, do not go trying to genetically create your own dirds, or you might end up with something like this. (shudder)