Shopping

20 Holiday Gift Ideas For Your Buttface Dog

20 Holiday Gift Ideas For Your Buttface Dog

I love my doxie Andi, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand her truth. And her truth is, she’s an a**hole. So for the holidays, THIS IS WHAT SHE DESERVES:

And that’s it. But knowing my buttface dog (and if yours is the same), she’d eat it and then throw up all over my new living room rug.

So because all pups deserve SOMETHING under the tree (or far away from any tree because you can’t get one because your dog would totally destroy it), here are 20 gifts to get buttface dogs for the holidays. Bonus points: these will allow you to get a little harmless revenge on your canine whirlwind of horror biffle. And in case you don’t want to get too Count of Monte Cristo on their fuzzy butts, we’ve ranked each toy with a Wiener Neener-Neener Revenge Meter, 1 wiener being akin to signing them up for email spam lists, 5 wieners being akin to Darth Vader when he cut off Luke’s hand and then told him he was his father.

1. A toy disc with their face on it that insults them (Price: $24.99)

They can’t read, so how will they know? But the rest of the world will laugh and laugh and laugh….

Neener Meter: 3 Wieners

Neener Meter: 3 Wieners

2. A sprinkler fire hydrant (Price $9.55)

via Amazon

via Amazon

They sprinkle on it. It sprinkles back. #Justice

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

3. A laser ON THEIR COLLAR (Price $9.99)

It will drive them nuts, because they won’t be able to figure out IT’S COMING FROM THEM. (*Disclaimer my editor made me put in: “Sometimes, lasers can drive dogs too bonkers, so use the Force wisely, Luke.).

Neener Meter: 5 wieners

Neener Meter: 5 wieners

4. The talk to me treat ball (Price: $9.99)

via Amazon

via Amazon

First, it’s a toy that talks to them which will blow their little furry minds. Second, YOU CAN RECORD ANYTHING ON IT TO SAY TO THEM. Aaaaaaand let the games begin…

Neener Meter: 4.5 wieners

Neener Meter: 4.5 wieners

5. A bomb (Price: $11.99)

Not a real one, Ted Kaczynski. It’s better. It’s a toy that makes a bomb noise and gives out treats. So they can BE destructive while not BEING destructive. Everybody wins.

Neener Meter: 2 wieners

Neener Meter: 2 wieners

6. A remote control dog pal (Price: $289.00)

Give your dog an identity crisis with this toy. It will be fantastically Freudian.

Neener Meter: 3 Wieners

Neener Meter: 3 Wieners

7. The Teaser Ball (Price: $11.99)

buttfacedogs2

The name literally has “tease” in it. So basically, it’s a toy that will annoy the heck outta your pup while also keeping them occupied for hours and hours and hours.

Neener Meter: 3.5 wieners

Neener Meter: 3.5 wieners

8. A Puzzle Toy (Price: $44.00)

buttfacegifts8

It’s educational, so really, it’s for their good. It’s only a lovely side benefit it blows their furry minds.

Neener Meter: 2 wieners

Neener Meter: 2 wieners

9. A tug-o-war they can never win (Price: $49.95)

buttfacegifts9

Heheheheheheheheh…..

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

10. A slow bowl feeder (Price: $19.99)

buttfacegift10

Because instant gratification for your pup went the way of your antique vase they broke when they chose to have the zoomies at 3 a.m. in the dining room.

Neener Meter: 3 Wieners

Neener Meter: 3 Wieners

11. A bad dog t-shirt (Price: $22.95)

via Zazzle

via Zazzle

Let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

12. Boltwell’s B*7 Pet Emergency Kit (Price: $103.00)

buttfacegift16

Because buttface pups get themselves into situation no average doge encounters. Better be pawpared for the worst.

Neener Meter: 1 wiener

Neener Meter: 1 wiener

13. A pet rock (Price: $7.99)

How else will they learn to be responsible? Put them what you go through with them! Wait a sec…never mind. Just remembered who we’re talking about and they would eat it. Rock murderers! Scratch this one off the list then.

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

Neener Meter: 4 wieners

14. An ultrasonic dog toy (Price: $9.99)

You can’t hear it. They can, and they have no idea what’s going on. Pawesomeness achieved.

Neener Meter: 3.5 wieners

Neener Meter: 3.5 wieners

15. A Death Star ID tag with QR code (Price: $10.39)

Well, they do often go over to the Dark Side. Plus, when they decide to go on an Odyssey without your permission, they’re easily identified with any smartphone and can be returned to homebase.

Neener Meter: 3 wieners

Neener Meter: 3 wieners

16. Indestructible ball toy (Price: $12.99)

Um, it’s indestructible. They will TRY to destroy it. And then they will learn what it means to fail for the first time in their fuzzbutt lives.

Neener Meter: 4.5 wieners

Neener Meter: 4.5 wieners

17. A Love doll for humpers (Price: $208.00 (not including shipping and handling from France. It’s French. Figures.)

This is really more to save you from their overenthusiastic expressions of love (or to save your ankle. Or face. Or dining room table leg. Or strangers’ feet).

Neener Meter: 2.5 wieners

Neener Meter: 2.5 wieners

18. A doggie chill pill (Price: $7.99)

Because you can say, “TAKE your chill pill!” And maybe they will. For, like, a hot second.

Neener Meter: 1.5 wieners

Neener Meter: 1.5 wieners

19. Lumps of coal they can eat (Price $7.00)

buttfacegifts22

They’re delicious treats for doges that will allow you to grin with irony and evil. Yaaassss eat that coal, EAT IT.

Neener Meter: 3 wieners

Neener Meter: 3 wieners

20. Or coal to play with (Price: $12.00)

buttfacegift23

Because then you can actually put a lump of coal in their stocking for the holidays. HA!

Neener Meter: 5 wieners

Neener Meter: 5 wieners

Featured Image via @weirdwiener
 

Comments