When my husband and I first started dating, I had just adopted a senior Lhaso-Apso named Brandy. She had some separation anxiety so I took her with me wherever I went…including dates.
On our first official date, Don took me to a lovely park where we had lunch and played frisbee. Brandy apparently found the location or the company distasteful because she kept trying to escape the park every time we took our attention off her. It was distracting to say the least. Later, as we said goodbye outside his car, Brandy turned on the emergency flashers impatiently from inside. We cut our goodbye short. No kiss.
Despite their rocky beginnings, Don and Brandy eventually bonded and were good friends for the remainder of her life. I am proud to say he is now a converted dog lover. Turns out poor Don isn’t alone. Dogs far and wide are doing their best to make sure their hoomans have eyes for only them. Single pup parents may want to read this one away from nosy pooches — you don’t want them getting any ideas.
Thanks to everyone who shared their stories with me via social media. Shockingly, they all wanted to remain anonymous. For that reason, all names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.
A young college student brought his dog Killians to campus for a visit with his frat brothers. He was having a casual relationship with a coed and wasn’t sure if he was interested in pursuing the relationship further. The gal stopped by for a visit and set her purse down on the floor so she could give her guy a hello kiss. Killians promptly lifted his leg and urinated into the purse. The young man and all his frat brothers laughed uproariously as the poor coed ran out crying. She never spoke to Killians’ dad again. At least the dog saved him the trouble of an awkward breakup.
Derek was out on the town with friends several years ago and got a little toastier than he had planned. The next morning he woke up to a girl he had never seen before, and a very large dog wedged between them. He tried in vain to slip out unnoticed, but the dog’s growling and barking woke the mystery girl. To this day, Derek swears that he was roofied…or maybe he was “ruff-ied”?
Back in high school, Trisha had a serious crush on an older boy. One night she was hanging out at her house with friends and doing some pretty serious flirting. Everything was going great until her Pug came barreling down the stairs with something clenched in his jaws. Like most Pugs, Otis was prone to eating anything and everything he could get his blunt little muzzle on. Trisha chased Otis until she finally cornered him in the dining room. Everyone gathered around as she tried to pry the item from Otis’s kung fu grip. Finally, Otis gave up and released his prize…a used sanitary napkin from the bathroom trash can. Trisha turned bright red, and all the boys just stared in gape-mouthed silence. She never got the courage to flirt with her crush again.
Billy had a massive German Shepherd named Oden back in the 1970s. Oden was Billy’s pride and joy, he was even trained in home defense. One evening, Billy invited a young lady over to his house for dinner. He warned her that Oden could be intense and told her not to enter the home until he had secured the dog. Billy must have gotten caught up in his cooking because he never heard his date at the door. What he did hear was the sound of smashing glass as Oden leapt through the glass window and chased his terrified date back to her car. The woman peeled out of the driveway screaming. She decided to stop taking Billy’s phone calls.
One of my coworkers shared the following cringe worthy tale with me once I promised not to use her name. She had been out to dinner with a guy she liked very much. Afterwards, she invited him up to her apartment for an after dinner drink. They eventually made their way to her sofa for a make-out session. Her Cock-a-poo, Lily, hopped up next to them. They were too engrossed in the moment to notice until they began to sense a foul odor. My coworker looked over to find Lily scooting her fanny along the couch cushion leaving a dark brown streak. Did I mention it was a white sofa?
Back in college Sean invited a girl he liked to an outdoor music festival. Since she was a dog lover, he borrowed his roommate’s rambunctious rescue puppy to score extra points. The dog was a 50 pound ball of pure energy and especially difficult to control in a large, noisy crowd. At some point the dog saw something chase-worthy and made a break into the crowd, his retractable leash paying out slack at a rapid pace. Somehow the leash became tangled around the date’s bare ankle causing a deep, painful gash. The girl was understanding at first…until she found out that it wasn’t even Sean’s dog. Being wounded and lied to was a deal breaker.
Megan was having a great time on her first date with Patrick… until they went back to his place. She sat next to him on the couch and within seconds Duffy, Patrick’s 90 pound Rottweiler, leapt up and wedged herself between the couple. Patrick seemed to think this was perfectly normal and wrapped his arm around the dog. Megan soon learned just how close Duffy was to her daddy. The first time she and Patrick were in bed together Duffy stared unblinkingly during the deed, then immediately forced her stubby muscle butt between the couple yet again, snuggling in against Patrick. Megan must really love Patrick because their inter-species love triangle continues to this day.
Nicole met Ryan on an online dating site. They hit it off based on a mutual love for music and their dogs. They decided to keep their first date casual and met up at a local beach with the pups. Ryan brought Duke, a boisterous black Lab, and Nicole brought Spike, her beloved Poodle mix. The dogs got along fine, and after a long walk the foursome sat down in the sand together.
Apparently Duke wanted to take full advantage of his day at the beach because he suddenly made a break toward the waves. Ryan yelled and chased him, but Duke thought it was all part of the fun. Nicole noticed that Duke had something clenched in his jaws — her leather clutch purse. Duke took a leisurely swim as Ryan and Nicole yelled and waved from the shore. Duke came back, Nicole’s purse didn’t. She spent the rest of the afternoon canceling credit cards — from Ryan’s phone of course.
Featured image via @jaspervonblue_aeri2