Is your dog TRULY the worst dog of 2015? Even WORSE than Andi? We here at BarkPost believe in rewarding mischief when it’s not our dogs. If you think your dog deserves to take Andi’s crown of shame, email firstname.lastname@example.org with their story or comment with the hashtag #WorstDog2015 by 11:59 P.M. EST January 4th, 2016, and we’ll give the winner a curated BarkBox full of Andi’s favorite toys and treats. For especially terrible tales, we may even throw in something special for the poor, suffering human from BarkShop.
There are dogs like Lassie, who save small children that fall down wells. There are dogs like Caitlyn, who overcome horrific circumstances to triumph and inspire the world. There are even dogs like Clifford, who are IMAGINARY yet still manage to help their human besties navigate life’s trials and tribulations.
Then there are dogs like Andi, who are the Absolute. F******. Worst.
Born Josey (no surname), adopted from Social Tees Animal Rescue (who do great work and had no idea they had saved a fiend disguised as a puppy), re-named Andromeda Penelope Josey Bernier, she is, as I overheard one of my co-workers say:
“The purest representation of evil self-interest I have ever seen.” — co-worker Will Storie
Andi loves me and I love her, don’t get me wrong. But Andi has levels of love, and I know exactly where I stand in the ranking, which is:
3) How to get FOOD
4) Burrowing under blankets and farting in order to recharge to find more FOOD
4.5) Me as the most regular dispenser of FOOD
In her continuing quest to consume all the things, Andi has managed to con, swindle, charm and altogether fool the majority of the human race into thinking she is an adorable, innocent, harmless pup. But once you get to know her, you soon realize you are merely the disposable tool she wields in order to fulfill her life mission: eating everything in sight.
In the past few months alone, here are things Andi has managed to steal from unsuspecting dogs, humans, and street corners to shove down her gullet:
1) cigarette butts (she went through this phase as a puppy, and I thought she was over it until she tried to eat one again two weeks ago)
2) half a bag of cadbury mini chocolate eggs
3) five half sugar, half white chocolate lollipops from my mother’s holiday shelf (which I still don’t understand how she reached. I think she can fly.)
4) my dinner (several times)
5) my breakfast (several times)
6) my lunch (several times)
7) Alexa’s sandwich
8) Bijal’s sandwich
9) Brandon’s couscous
10) Panda’s kibble (several times)
11) Pixel’s kibble (once)
12) Patricia’s Max Brenner chocolate
13) Ty’s kibble (several times)
14) my dark chocolate mini bar which I was saving for my dessert one night
15) my burt’s bees lip balm (twice)
16) my friend’s high heel
17) Lex’s salad
18) Christina’s Chinese food (during a staff meeting)
19) Alexis’s (mostly) finished burrito. (twice)
20) Monty’s treats (from his dad Hagel’s jacket pocket)
21) Half of Stangle’s loaf of bread
22) Audrey’s kibble (several times)
23) Gus’s fresh pet (once or twice)
24) Rigby’s kibble (once or twice)
25) Laura’s lunch (twice)
26) two doses of hydrogen peroxide to make her barf the aforementioned chocolate she ate. (She did not barf. She just ran around like a tiny hot dog on crack every time.)
27) tampons and maxi pads
28) chicken bones from the gutter (she strikes fast like a snake, A SNAKE)
30) the feather of a pigeon
31) the breadcrumbs left after scattering a group of pigeons
32) Sothdra’s eggs
33) Maggie’s Mintie’s treat*
34) underwear, which she then dragged out into the kitchen of a friend’s I was staying at. Thanks Andi.
AND THIS IS JUST WHAT I CAUGHT HER EATING. A couple times her poop had glitter in it, so I’m guessing she may have at some point devoured a fairy.
It’s not so much the amount she ingests, or the variety. It’s the cunning with which she snatches unguarded edibles, the constant plotting she does in order to rob others of their meals (once she did a 3 foot dead jump from the floor up to a window-seat and then leaped from there to the back of a table to steal a piece of pizza).
And most of all, it’s the complete lack of remorse she displays whenever she gets caught in her gastronomical skullduggery.
Is Andi the worst dog ever? People tell me probably not. Is she the worst dog of the decade? Well, she’s definitely in the top three.
BUT is she the worst dog of 2015?
Please. There’s not even a doubt in my (or in all of my office’s) mind.
Is your dog TRULY the worst dog of 2015? Even WORSE than Andi? We here at BarkPost believe in rewarding mischief when it’s not our dogs. If you think your dog deserves to take Andi’s crown of shame, email email@example.com or comment with the hashtag #WorstDog2015 by 11:59 P.M. EST January 4th, 2016 with their story, and we’ll give the winner a curated BarkBox full of Andi’s favorite toys and treats. For especially terrible tales, we may even throw in something special for the poor, suffering human from BarkShop.
*update added after a co-worker reminded me this happened last week