Let’s just cut to the chase, shall we? I am smart, funny, and delightful. I am also single. ERGO it’s the damn dog’s fault. Humans have blamed things on man’s best friend since the dawning of time: “The dog ate my homework”, “That was the dog’s fart,” etc. So why should us grown-ass, bomb-ass, single peeps be any different?
Mom pestering you to find a man? “…The dog did it.” Allow me to elaborate in 10 (you know, totally hypothetical) excuses.
1. The bedroom
At best my dog is a bed hog, at worst he wants to be spooned at all angles whilst preparing some dank Dutch ovens for us. Speaking of which…
2. The aromas
It stanky. But I swear that’s him farting! 95% of the time I’m being honest about that.
3. The ambiance
“Welcome to my home! Come in, come in. Oh, don’t mind the 65 pound dog’s head smashed into your crotch — he’ll stop inhaling your groin area eventually. Can I get you something to drink?”
4. The intimacy
I hope you’re into the occasional ambushed triple kiss! Because my dog doesn’t like feeling left out.
5. The lewdness
My dog has been known to stare and hump the air at random times – it’s super
6. The look
All my outfits are covered in dog hair. You make any contact with me, any whatsoever, and somehow half of that hair will magically and automatically be transferred onto you. It’s just science.
7. The lingo
“Netflix and chill” usually includes a dog snoring and drooling on my lap. Sexy, right?
8. The competition
If you try to hump me, my dog is gonna try to hump you. You know what, I trained him well.
9. The lifestyle
“I would give you a bite of my meal ever so seductively, buuuut I sorta promised my dog I would bring him home a doggy bag. Speaking of which, are you gonna finish that?”
10. The location
“My place or yours? Actually, it kinda has to be mine, because I have to let my dog out to pee. Oh, you know what? I haven’t vacuumed in a while and my dog sheds a lot, so it probably looks like I have wall-to-wall carpeting, which I don’t. You know what, never mind. Neither place. I’ll sext you or something.”
No Boyfriend? No Problem!
Posted by Cifras on Friday, January 2, 2015